DISCLAIMER: The following is satire and did not actually happen.
Washington, D.C. – Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) has called for the creation of a House Select Committee to look into Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis for sending Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard. He and his colleagues hope this will help to get to the bottom of the issue, which he calls “one of the most traumatic experiences Americans living in Martha’s Vineyard have ever had and a blight on the nation.”
While addressing reporters at a press conference, Schiff excoriated DeSantis for bringing brown people to the nation’s most popular bastion for wealthy white progressives. “This was like 9/11 – or even worse – Jan. 6 for the people living in Martha’s Vineyard,” the lawmaker fumed. “It is our duty to find out what happened.”
When asked if he might be exaggerating by comparing the flying of migrants to the island to Jan. 6, Schiff replied, “Look, the name of the place is Martha’s Vineyard, not Maria’s Vineyard – do you understand? Forcing us to deal with these people is nothing less than barbaric.”
Schiff then revealed that he had evidence of Russian involvement in the matter. He said:
“But I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet. I am in possession of evidence showing that Russia has been deeply involved in this whole initiative to send illegals to Democrat-run cities. Apparently, both Abbott and DeSantis have quite a cozy relationship with Putin. At least one witness has come forward claiming at least two of the bus drivers appeared to be of Russian descent.”
The lawmaker said he would be going public with the rest of the evidence “really really soon, I promise.”
Since DeSantis joined Texas Gov. Greg Abbott in transporting illegal immigrants and migrants to blue cities, Democrats have been wracking their brains to figure out how to stop them. They even tried changing the legal definition of the term “human trafficking” in the hopes that they could levy criminal charges against the two men. But now, Schiff seems to believe he has the answer: The House Select Making Us Deal With Migrants Committee.
“I mean, what else are we supposed to do? Yell at Biden to make him do something about the migrant crisis? Get outta here!” Schiff said.